Henry the Elf

     The Elf was a great idea at the beginning. He was a distraction, to keep our minds off the tanking lobster industry, and the fact that the tree was going to look a bit...sparse...this year.

     So he showed up one morning, passport in hand, with a note explaining his purpose. 

Hi, I'm Henry.

You're Mother is going crazy.

Here he is, riding a remote controlled car. We found him like this in the morning. Thing Two was entertained, but perturbed. 

Hey, look! Here he is hiding in the bookshelf!

We had to search for him every morning; we never knew where he'd be, or what mischief he'd get into.

Like spilling books all over the floor.

Or throwing a bunch of ornaments off the tree, and then spending the night in it.

(This was his best hiding spot. We didn't find him until the afternoon!)

Thing One grew quite attached to him.

(Keep your friends close and your enemies closer...I think she was not entirely sure she liked the whole idea of a small elf sneaking around the house at night...)

He got into everyone's stuff. Luckily he didn't eat any candy. I would have baked him in a pie.

Uh-oh.

What's this!!! Cardinal sin in my house!! We do not waste food!

Total disbelief on the faces of the Things! He'd committed the ultimate of sins, and would surely be banished back to The Pole!

Oh the drama that ensued!!!

Thing One threw herself on the mercy of the Judge (that would be me), crying for 'Sanctuary'!

(She had watched "The Hunchback Of Notre Dame" the night before!)

We ran down to the kitchen the next morning to see if Henry had been retrieved, but NO- he was still with us!

We had him until Christmas Eve, according to his papers, then he would give his report to Santa, and go with him back to the North Pole.

Except...

Just before bedtime on Christmas Eve, after all the presents had been opened, and a lot of the food had been enjoyed....Thing One dissolved into hysterics.

We couldn't even understand what she was saying!

Finally, it became clear. She was freaking out about Henry's imminent departure.

uh-oh.

Seriously, there was no consoling this child!

Got some great looks from The Big Guy. He should have been an actor. (said dripping with sarcasm.)

After much discussion, it was decreed that she could write a note to Santa, pleading her case to keep Henry. He had become part of the family, etc.

She wrote out her note, and propped Henry up on the bookcase with it. I left out a couple of cookies and a large White Russian.

In the morning, she rushed downstairs...and there was Henry, with a typewritten note from Santa! (The White Russian was gone.) Henry could stay!, he said.

Henry, it seemed, wanted to stay with Thing One just as badly as she wanted him.

Santa explained what an honor it was for any Elf to participate in his  Narc  Monitoring Program, and that he had never granted a wish like this before. 

But Henry was allowed to stay only if he gave up his magic powers, and became a doll.

He happily complied.

And she hasn't touched the damned thing since.

Oh, look. This picture was taken before I put the wrapping paper on the bait bucket.

My humiliation is complete.