Sunday, August 28, 2011

Blame Irene. I'm sure it's her fault.

So, I guess we're having a hurricane.

Thankfully, it sounds and feels like every other storm we get out here on The Rock, which means this thing must have petered out long before it got to us.

That makes me happy. I'm oddly attached to my roof.

In keeping with what has become a long-standing tradition, we had a Hurricane Party.
I considered making the alcoholic concoction Hurricane, to commemorate the event, but when I saw the list of foods being prepared, knew alcohol wasn't going to be the focus of this particular party.
(Truth be told, it never is. We all have kids.)

There was lasagna, in a pan big enough to bathe a medium sized dog (should one desire). There was crab and asparagus risotto. Garlic bread, salmon cakes, cheesecake, nacho dip and chips...
and chocolate chip cookie dough. Shhh. That one's our little secret.

I grew a pants size.

And then I turned around and did it again today. A full Sunday Dinner with macaroni and meatballs and spareribs. And chocolate chip cookies.
Many, many chocolate chip cookies.

I'm never eating again. (I said this last night, too.)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

I knew better

This is why you should NEVER answer the phone while making bread:

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Yeah.

Good dough thinks it's supposed to rise when you leave it alone, regardless of where you leave it.


Whoops.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Gifts from the past


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I am rubbing my hands together with glee at all the nice surprises I found lurking in the depths of the freezer I'm defrosting. I feel a BIG COOKING WEEK coming on! Anyone else have a renewed spark for the kitchen? Is this a sign of fall? Am I finally 'losing it' after 14 years of island living? (Statistically there is a higher incidence of mental illness in island residents. But you knew that, right?) (Also alcoholism, drug abuse, molestation, and incest. But IT'S SO PRETTY!)

Speaking of island living...where do you store your frozen food while defrosting your freezer? Much like the 'Christmas Tree In A Bait Bucket' trick The Big Guy came up with, he's turned me on to 'Store The Contents Of Your Freezer While It's Defrosting In A Bait Tank That Has Been Bleached To Infinity'.

I have to say, it works like a charm.

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The dirt on the outside is from the kids dragging it across the yard. I swear, the inside is immaculate.
Also, My Mother is rolling in her grave right now.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

My efforts on the School Board: justified

Why I love Facebook:
disclaimer: I do NOT KNOW THESE PEOPLE. 

Amen, Brother.
Stay in school, kids!

Here's a link to the whole list, from Happyplace.* ((language alert!)) ((seriously funny, though, if you can stomach it and have an hour of your life to waste. Perfect for hospital waiting rooms!))

*Which is NOT my website, but totally should be, dammit.


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

The day JAWS came to visit

This year, BOTH of my kids are lobstering with The Big Guy.

It took me a few days to find my groove, what with all three of them gone for a twelve hour day, but I find that if I tune the TV to the cartoon channel really loud, and go about the day yelling at them to put toys and clothes away as if they were actually there, I can breathe.

 I was pretty sure I could remain in this happy state of denial until the fall, when the weather gets too rough for them to be out there with him. (Unfortunately for him, The Big Guy still has to go.)

My happy little state of denial was shattered this morning, with a call from a kid exclaiming "We just saw the biggest, most ginormous fish ever! It was bigger than our truck! It was as big as the boat! It was huge!"

yeah...OK. Does Dad know you took his phone? Are you hiding down forward?? Are there chemicals down there you shouldn't be near??

NO SERIOUSLY MOM IT WAS A HUGE GINORMOUS FISH!

OK, Honey. How is it out there today? Any big swells? No?? Hello?? OK, go catch lots of lobsters. BYEEE!!

And a few minutes later, I heard another fisherman call The Big Guy on the radio. I heard him ask about a huge fish he just saw near his boat. I heard him say 'blah blah blah SHARK blah, blah'.

   Bladder: 2, Marissa: 0

There was some discussion about what kind of SHARK it was. (Seriously, does it even matter, because, Hello? SHARK.)

One guy suggested that its 25 to 30 foot length made it sound like a 'whale shark', while another thought it could be a 'basking shark'.

JAWS is circling our boat. And my kids are on it.
I quickly debated the futility of shouldering our canoe and heading for the shore...but, really?
Easier to just have the heart attack in the comfort of my immaculate living room.

I googled instead.

It seems that neither shark has a penchant for noshing on children. They are filter feeders.
That knowledge did not make me feel warm and fuzzy.

I'm going with this one, because, while huge, it apparently doesn't eat kids.



I'm pretty sure either of my kids could totally fit in the mouth of this one. He could gum them. That might hurt.



Now if you'll excuse me, there is a glass of wine calling my name. (I get bonus points for waiting until after 5pm.)

Monday, August 15, 2011

I stole my daughter's ipod

It's her own fault for leaving it laying around, fully charged, while mine lay flaccid.
Dead as a smelt.
Useless.

How the hell am I s'posed to clean the house, now????

Oh, eye-opening experience!

Better than coffee (not), better than sex(not), better than drugs (definitely).
Gotta keep the Party Line, in case she's listening.

Ke$ha, Katy Perry AND Snoop Dogg, Pink, Party Rock!

Sure-I had to come onto the computer to look 'em up, but now???

I'm the HIP MOM 'cuz I KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

And my house is spotless. And I'm so very glad nobody walked in during the process.

DJ, turn it up!!!


Just da-ance! Gonna be okay, just da-da-dance!

Strange things happen to the head here!

Steve McQueen and Dustin Hoffman, in Papillon.
Survival, at its best.
Very inspiring. And very familiar.



"The rule here is total silence!

This we accomplish by breaking you!

Breaking you physically, spiritually and here (points to head), strange things happens to the head here.

Put all hope out of your mind... and masturbate as little as possible, it drains the strength.
Thats all, take him away."



Saturday, August 13, 2011

Proof.


For all of you who argue that drugs don't rot your brain, I give to you:

THE MUSIC OF THE 80'S.


A Flock of Seagulls
Adam Ant
Billy Idol
Culture Club
Madonna
Milli Vanilli
Paula Abdul

I just threw up in my mouth.

That's your FM radio on drugs, right there.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Let's Hear It For The Girls!

As always, Curvy Girl hits the nail right on the head.

My favorite site for helpful hints on raising an independent, self assured, confident and responsible daughter! And for becoming one myself.

Check it out here.