or, The Breakup.
Dr. Mr. Pillsbury pie crust,
In the 30-some years we've been together, I have been a faithful and constant devotee. I simply adore you; your convenience, your low price, your predictable success...
But I've changed. I have grown up. It's time for me to move on.
It was bound to happen, you know. I make nearly everything we eat from scratch, and it was inevitable that I would one day expand into pie crust; fated that given an attempt or two, I could produce a tender flaky crust all by myself, without begging the neighbors to pick one up at the store for me.
That day has come.
I had a little help making half a pie disappear.
I'd like us to remain friends. There will likely be a time or two when I will need a shoulder to lean on, given the overwhelming number of projects I work on at any given moment.
I will feel content knowing you are there for me when the world becomes Too Much To Bear, and a finished pie is just minutes away.
Know that I still love you, but as a friend.